Well, as some of you may recall, my department is playing a little Murder game where some vicious thug knocks off co-workers until they are nabbed by the forces of Righteousness; i.e. a co-worker guesses it's them. Turns out I am the vicious thug who has been murdering my friends. Here is the accusation, the confession, followed by the explanation of the SuperFriend who figured it out:
I, "Hot Mama", do accuse HUNTER as the murderer!! With a name
like Hunter, he must be the killer! You are going down, Moose(breath)
Me?! Little old me?! A vicious serial killer?
Impossilble! Ludicrous! Fantabulosous!
Was I in the hall by the mail room when Mie died?
Was I in the Conference Room when Elena collapsed?
Was I on the stairway when Gabe suddenly slipped and catapulted down the abyss?
Was I by the doorway when Laura fell through the glass?
Was I in Kamil's office when he defenestrated and flew magically into Manoa Stream?
Was I in Ben's office when his Mac sent a bolt of electricity through his body?
Was I on the lanai when Zoe choked upon the Paradise Palm's Chow Mein?
Was I responsible for the mangled body of Sara, the mutilation of Brent, or the decapitation of Julia?
Well, no. It was Mother. She did it. I tried to stop her. But I can't. I can't!!
Something- something happens when she sees another bit of prey. A juicy morsel to devour into her worm-ridden womb. It's not my fault! It's Mother! Mother!!!!!
And she would have gotten all of you, if it wasn't for that horrible, evil "hot mamma". A plague upon her house. I hates her. $21. She sends me to the Big House for a measly 21 bucks. I may be gone, but all of you are still doomed!! You can't stop the little men with their evil stares and their greasy hands. They are among you, but you don't see them. But when you are asleep, they will eat your brain. Your brains, I tell you. It happened to me. It will happen to all of our cursed species.
Death! Death everywhere! Blood rains from the sky upon all of your heads! You all deserve death!
No, death is too good for you! Something worse. Eternal torture. I should have pulled off each of your fingernails and mailed them to you. Each day a fingernail of one of my victims appears in your mailbox. Yes, that's it. Fingernails. I love fingernails. They are so small and transluscent. I mean, you can kind of see through them and kind of can't. How cute. Fingernails are my friends. Sigh.... Ah my little, pretty fingernails. Not like those dirty toenails! Yuck! Blaaachh! Blaachh! Gollum! Gollum!
But, I see Clarice has come to take me away. Hello, Clarice. What's that?! Who are those men in the white coats? No, I won't go! I won't! You promised me. I was a good boy. I have always been good. You must believe me. Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!
(Sound of trumpets... white clouds roll in... a bright light shining
in the distance slowly nears...)
Yes! I knew it was you, Hunter. You evil-doer you. There's no
running away from Good. And that is what I, Hot Mamma, have been
placed on this planet to do! Find and defeat evil scum like you
Gollum, I mean Moosebreath! My job has been done here. And I didn't
even need to whip out my Wonder Woman super-dooper bullet-reflecting
bracelets (which I polished last night). I had my suspisions as I saw
you eye the whole room of Ling 621. (At least a few of us have
survived to take the midterm on Friday.) I had my gut instincts. I
saw how you seemed to be looking around all the time. And did you see
me eluding your evil eye stare several times, including yesterday
afternoon? Evil cannot hide from me! (And, I have to admit. I saw
you kill Julia on Monday.)
Rest safe, my fellow linguists. You can now return to your midterms,
papers, and comps. But, never forget those who went before us. Their
sacrifice does not go unnoticed. I just needed time to detect the
true evil-doer. RIP.
(Trumpet sounds as the fog rolls away and the lights dim...)