Saturday, December 15, 2007

Kalabinabeso

Following writtenwyrdd's comment below, I went and dug up my old post with an excerpt from the Kalabinabeso. Here is the full title:

"Journey to the North:
How the Pinandam were Discovered and Returned to Seauni by the Most Holy Kibin in the Year 725.

Based upon the Kalabinabeso of Sonodanne as well as the Holy Tradition of Seauni.

Translated into Anspik by Joseph Hayd."

Apparently, it's Journey to the North, not Journey to the East. I will copy the link to the opening below. As I re-read it about 11 years later, I still think I had some good ideas about the world, but the writing is quite poor. The good news is that my writing has advanced enough that I know some reasons why it's poor**.

If you click on the link, you will see that it's written from the POV of my nameless protagonist, the "barbarian warrior woman". I still like the idea of her character. Another main character is named Xara [ksara]. She's also a fighter of sorts and in fact is made from the foam of rolling rapids. Her hair is silver in color, which is her identifying mark, and she's essentially immortal. Since she's been around for several hundred years, there are several cults based around usually bizarre misinterpretations of her life. The cults run from very violent to peace-loving. Anyway, here's the link. Remember, it's bad writing, but I'm sharing anyway.

Kalabinabeso snippet

**Inability to keep a consistent voice, tense problems, not starting at the right point, paragraphs that wander from idea to idea, not having enough world sensory detail to truly capture the reader.

4 comments:

writtenwyrdd said...

"Since she's been around for several hundred years, there are several cults based around usually bizarre misinterpretations of her life."

I have a character like that in the great Epic Fantasy that I hope to one day write. The one I started in 7th grade, as a matter of fact. Thirty years later...

Some really lovely concepts and ideas in this. I can see you have improved a lot since you wrote the original. Still, it's not bad, just rough!

Thanks for sharing.

writtenwyrdd said...

I forgot to say that I really LOVE the voice you have going in that snippet. The gal is a hoot, and I think the story is remarkably similar in tone/feel to the Fafherd and the Grey Mouser stories.

Robin S. said...

I think I'd have liked being a barbarian warrior woman.

Of course, I'd have to look like Barbarella, though, at least in my own fantasies.

pacatrue said...

Thanks for the kind words, wyrdd; they are rather encouraging actually.

Robin s, that's funny. In most men's dreams, barbarian warrior women look like Barbarella, too.